Five Ways To Save English Cricket
England have failed. The following steps need to be taken in order to salvage this tour.
Key player: Alastair Cook has proven that he is not capable of leading England, and scoring runs at the same time. It is clear that this team lack a substantial amount of inspiration. There is one man whose appointment would immediately instill belief and turn the team’s performance around. Rob Key has been reappointed as Kent captain in our hour of need, and there is much evidence to suggest that he would be able to do the same fire-fighting job for the England team. Key is a hero. His passion for the game is evident every time he takes the field, and his ability to set a ‘silly field’ would go down very well with everyone who loves Michael Clarke’s scatter-gun approach. Not only is his tactical approach good, but he plays with passion. When dismissed, he is often seen to trudge off, turning round to stare at the umpire who incorrectly gave him out. His fight will immediately inspire this England team. Furthermore, if the Bob Key Fan Club turn up, Australian confidence will sink in the face of such an inspirational English institution.
Drop our best players and replace them with inferior ones: English cricket has suffered since the David Lloyd era in the 1990’s from an absence of random selections. Such was the success of those tours that England need to consider dropping all of their best players, and picking some inexperienced and inferior replacements. The need for a blood sacrifice at this point should be more important to fans and coaches alike than standing by the best players. They might be great, but the fact is that three defeats mean that, in the words of Bob Willis, “heads must roll”. Chuck a few players who aren’t ready into the fire – that should do the trick. They can’t do any worse.
Tell the Australians that they shouldn’t be enjoying this lack of a contest: In the English summer, there were many English complaints that the series was not competitive enough, and thus the enjoyment of victory was reduced. This is an entirely logical argument. Australia clearly aren’t enjoying this drubbing of England, so a gentle reminder that the Ashes should be more competitive will result in the home side taking their foot off the gas, and enjoying the win more after resisting an England fightback.
Listen to everything the media suggest: One critical problem of English cricket is the absolute failure to ever listen to what the media have to say. For years, the men with the laptops sat in their free seats with free WiFi have been best placed to view the numerous English disasters. These men have no agendas, but act purely as impartial observers. They hate it when England lose, as it means they have to devote articles to criticising the team. They are very rarely wrong in their assessments. Many have been suggesting that we drop our best players, which is clearly the best way forward. Getting rid of a previously successful coach is also a good idea. Instead of leaving them to moan about the quality of the free food in the press box, we should give them an active role in the running of the England set-up. That Piers Morgan seems to talk a lot of sense. What could possibly go wrong with the likes of him in charge?
Send Pietersen back to South Africa: England’s highest ever run scorer in Test cricket is evidently not good enough for Test cricket. His methods have been shown to fall short of the required level, and as a result he has only scored 8,000 runs. Failing that, we should tell him to play in a different way than he has when scoring these 8,000 runs, because it suits the team better. We’d rather see Kevin scrap for a 150-ball 30 than smash a run-a-ball century which would only serve to massage his massive ego. Priorities, boys.
Failing those five steps, there is one further option available at this stage of the tour. Sail home. The boat leaves in two days. Unfortunately there isn’t time for the final two Test matches to take place. Shame.
The Ashes are gone, but with a man like Rob Key in charge, the only way is up.
If you have read this far and not realised that this is a terrible attempt at satire and sarcasm, then congratulations.